Quitting Cannabis - My Personal 30 Day Challenge
Personal growth has been top of mind for me lately. There are things happening in my life and relationships that aren’t sitting well with me, so it seemed like it was time to make some lifestyle changes in order to show up more often as my best self. I’ve always advocated for the use of this particular plant teacher, and I believe there are positives in its use, just like many other compounds we hairless apes consume. Of course, just like any drug, they can also be abused.
Humans are habit robots. We do things every day that are habitual like, brushing our teeth, the way we make toast, or the route we take when we walk or drive to work. I don’t feel as though I have an addictive personality because In my past I have been able to make tweaks to my habits with little effort. It takes commitment, and despite my thoughts that quitting cannabis would mean just slightly adjusting my day to day habits, I never anticipated the impact not using would have on certain aspects of my life.
For example, If you asked me on any given morning what I remembered about my dreams, my answer would be that I don’t dream. I know full well that we all dream and from time to time I would remember the odd snippet of a dream I had, but I haven’t experienced dreaming like this for quite some time. One aspect that stands out to me is the emotional intensity of the dreams. I feel as though I’m more present in the reality that my dream consciousness had created for me. That’s not to say I was lucid within the dream state, just that colours and textures are much more vivid, as are the experiences within.
After only a couple of cannabis free days, I awoke with a start one morning after a very intense dream about a bikepacking race. I was at a resupply shopping for my new favourite fuel, Tailwind Nutrition Endurance (not a sponsor of me or the podcast). I was digging around the available miscellany of products looking for the brand, but they were out. I was distraught. I didn’t know what to choose and I was stressing out about it. I asked for help, but the clerk seemed disinterested and offered me other items I didn’t want. I finally settled on something. As I went to pay for it, I couldn’t find my card, then I did, then I was given the wrong bag, then I needed my card again but couldn’t find it. The longer I was in the shop the more worried I became that someone was going to steal my rig. I ran to the window to check. Other racers were heading out, which notched up my anxiety. I hurried back to the till where now there was a line up. The dream went on and on like this.
The dream progressed nonchronologically. There were scenes of me riding muddy roads; the peanut butter mud grinding my drivetrain and filling what frame clearance I had with the sticky goo. The rain made me worry that a particular section would be difficult to navigate. As I reached the summit of one climb, surveying the terrain that I would have to traverse, there was a veritable lake to cross. The road had flooded out with no way around. I would have to swim. New scene: Now I was in the freezing cold water as if I were a cinematographer shooting a documentary. There were familiar racers swimming across this vast body of water. I’m not sure where their bikes were, an irrelevance in this constructed reality.
Then I was fed images of all the problems I had with my current bike. The series of wet spots in various locations on my well worn tires where tiny punctures had been sealed by my tubeless set up. In the real world, I was just showing my daughter the spots that same day. I was shown images of my worn out drivetrain. Would I even make it to the finish with all these issues?
Back to the store. I was on the verge of tears as I collapsed to the floor. I was so frustrated! It took everything in my power not to turn that place upside down. I awoke suddenly as if pulled out by some force abducting me back to reality. I could feel my eyes squint on my contorted face as I held back the tears of frustration. I was overwhelmed with so much emotion that I darted from bed and rushed upstairs to make coffee, a drug I have no intention of quitting, after which I began to write this piece. I had to sit in silent meditation for a moment to breath and calm down; to center and reset myself. Despite it being “just a silly dream” my mind had constructed this reality that had a real and profound emotional impact. I can’t remember the last time I dreamt like this.
All this is just to say that I didn’t realize just how much cannabis was negatively affecting me. The cloud that it creates not only affected my day to day experience, but also that of the private world of my dreams; a crucial part of our programming. Dreams help us to reconcile the day, the lessons learned and work to consolidate our memories. In the real world I feel more alert and efficient. More patient and present with my family. I feel like I have a greater ability to let go and be present. My anxiety, reduced.
Because I have a Whoop wearable, I was able to see the effect the dream had on my heart rate. I have data showing the improvements in the quality of my sleep. I am experiencing more REM and deep sleep cycles. I wake up feeling more rested and alert, even if I have had less sleep than usual. While people are using THC to help with the onset of sleep, it’s been shown that despite falling asleep faster, cannabis actually disrupts the quality of the sleep we get.
One aspect that is very real to me is the attenuation of my negative self-talk. It hasn’t fully evaporated, but my consciousness is significantly more quiet. Rather than sailing through a bank of fog with a burned out masthead light, the seas are calmer, the air clearer, the moon fuller and brighter.
When making changes in one’s habits I think it’s important to replace bad habits with good ones. When I feel the urge to use cannabis I do something else like write or work on the podcast or I might hit the floor with my foam roller. It’s essential to fill the void because If you don’t, it will be easier to let the bad habit get a hold on you.
Another important aspect of altering your behaviour is accountability. It’s important to tell someone you trust that you’re changing your behaviour and why. I believe that if you don’t, falling back into the behaviour you want to change will be easier as you’re not accountable for it. That is why I’m writing this and sharing it with you. It’s a measure of accountability and one that will make this project more tenacious.
We’re given this organic computer at birth, but there’s no owner’s manual for it. It’s like sitting down with a new application that you need to learn as part of your job. “Here, learn this so you don’t get fired.” There’s an analogy that I’ve heard and like to use when it comes to behaviour change that I feel describes how behaviors are formed and how they shape us.
Consider, our brains and consciousness like a toboggan slope. When we’re young and undeveloped, this slope is smooth and clear of tracks. The fresh snow undisturbed. As we go through life, we’re taking runs down the slope and as we do, we leave tracks behind. This is Neuroplasticity, the forming of new neural connections as we learn new tasks and behaviors. As we age and go through life, taking runs down the slope of consciousness, our brains develop and the tracks get deeper. The deeper the trenches, the more viscid the behaviour becomes.
As a middle aged man my tracks are deep and seemingly inexorable, but I’m working on it. It’s never too late to work on yourself to build a better you. I’m far from figuring any of this out, but I’m determined to take the steps necessary to be the best husband, man, father; the best human I can be.
There are so many great resources out there that you can use to get more information on changing habits and how our minds function. Here are a few that you can explore.
Dopamine Nation
How to Change Your Mind
Waking Up
Atomic Habits
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
The Master and His Emissary
Are you up to taking a challenge like this?
