Life Cycle…
Writing isn’t my forte; talking is, which is why I love the podcast. I’ve been thinking about writing more, but finding the time with a young family is like trying to find that elusive spork buried at the bottom of your front pouch. Now, I don’t want this piece to come off as me describing my athletic sunset years as I pass gracefully into old(er) age. This is more of an observation of how my cycling seems to be changing as I get older and what that means.
My parents were always saying that, one day, I would start feeling the repercussions of my childhood athletic self abuse. I’d be all like, “Pff, as if jumping off the garage roof was gonna break me!” or while snowboarding “pff, that landing doesn’t look THAT flat!” or when I was skateboarding.. you get my drift…
Believe me, I’ve fallen off of my share of skinnies while attempting to ride that mid way teeter totter and have burned my ass on many a back tire like the rest of them, but that kind of riding just doesn’t turn this guys crank anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’d stand in the desert with the rest of you to watch the pros send it, but as my tagline states, I like to “keep the rubber side down.”
To be honest… I’m fucking scared! It’s a different kind of fear though. It’s not about getting hurt, which would suck, it’s more about responsibilities. Loss of work, not being able to pay the mortgage, needing to rely on my family to take care of me while I lay broken in bed or worse, not being able to ride a bike at all! Fuck that… I joke that I have a qualification before I try an obstacle. I call it the Mortgage Check. I check to see if I’ll be able to pay my mortgage if I fuck this up? If the answer is anywhere south of a thumbs up, I’ll pass, thanks.
When I discovered the world of bikepacking and ultra endurance, self supported racing, it was right when I needed it. It’s not just about fitness. It’s about strategy, bush craft, mental and physical endurance, fueling, meditation, connection with nature, solitude. It’s testing your mettle. Basically it’s you against yourself.
Maybe it’s just me and my own neuroticism, but that soft grey mass of fat and protein that sits in the ivory tower of our nervous system doesn’t just have you as the one and only board member, there’s a whole god damn circus going on inside. There’s the wise elder sitting quietly in the corner, shaking his head at all the stupid shit everyone else is doing. There’s the retired dude who still needs to work cause, well, what the fuck else is there to do. There’s the driven, mid life crisis guy, trying to make a difference with a podcast and fight the dad bod with everything he has. Any guesses who that might be? There’s the young slack jawed teen, who just wants to smoke weed and play video games all day. Maybe a little crossover there. Then, there’s our inner child who wants nothing more than to eat, play and snuggle.
The elder, our primal brain, is just trying to protect us. He’s controlling all our instincts, intuitions, desires, and responses to stimuli that goes back millions if not billions of years. So when the elder says “jump!” generally you do as your told or face the consequences. It’s like shaking your head at a grandparents advice. Controlling this voice of reason is probably the most difficult. When the elder says sleep, and you decide to carry on for another few hours, he shakes his head. “You’ll pay for this!”
The retired dude just wants to relax in the hammock and sip a beer while listening to the My Back 40 podcast. Sure, he’ll put in big days but won’t hesitate to take a zero if there’s a good burrito place in town. This is the dude you have to fight to get back on the saddle. “Come on man, we’ve only done 250km today!! Just another 50 okay… Don’t worry, there’s beer!”
Then there’s the mid life crisis guy. He’s got a day job, which pays the bills, but it’s not his passion, a family to love and support, dreams of one day hosting one of the top podcasts around and a boat load of baggage that has shaped him into the human he is today. There’s wisdom and experience there, it just needs to be reconciled and crystallized in such a way that it’s useful now, and can be passed down to the kids in such a way that doesn’t fuck them up.
Midlife is an interesting place to be. Personally, I look back and see all the mistakes I have made along the way. I reflect on the way I have treated or spoke to the people I love, I regret how I navigated failed relationships, romantic and otherwise. I also see the good! Moving to the west coast and living in the mountains for almost 30 years. The changes I consciously made in my career path for the betterment of my health and happiness and the beginnings of my foray into podcasting, starting with the Bikepack Canada podcast. Midlife has been an opportunity to stop, think and look at my life through a 50 year old lens and it has been enlightening.
The teen is a know-it-all. I wonder if our egos are fully manifested through our teens only to be battled against for the next 50 years? This know-it-all lacks reason and experience. He’s the ‘all in’ kinda guy that makes you try the road gap or that lofty teeter totter high in the trees. Act first, think later… He looks at bikepacking as slow and boring. “It’s for the old guys!” he says. He might be right. He has his moments, but mostly he’s just like an energy gel. Seemed like a good idea at the time. No sustenance, no substance. “Kids these days!”
The infant is most pure, most primal. Eat, sleep, play, love. They haven’t been shaped by adult inhibitions and insecurities yet. They are truly authentic. They say it like it is with no intent. Just pure curiosity and fascination with the world they emerged into.
Regardless of where you are on this spectrum and as a member of the board, you’re in constant negotiations with the rest of the team. The difference is, you have veto power. You have the power to team up with the member who has the opinion most relevant to the situation. That is the roller coaster of bikepacking. It’s a spectrum between fight, flight or flee or it’s coasting downhill, no hands with a big shit eating grin, while you stuff pie in your face. A multi day bikepacking event is like living a lifetime, all while rolling along some distant remote road in the middle of nowhere. It’s joy, pain, heart ache, disappointment, anger and the tears; sometimes happy, sometimes sad. It’s your journey or as Crazy Larry says! “IT’S PERSONAL!!” I wonder if they’re going to ship that dude across the border for the TD Classic?
Cycling has been the foundation of my life for over 30 years but it’s endurance cycling that has impacted me the most. It’s tested my mettle and put many things in perspective. It has revealed just what the human body is capable of. It’s given me the tools to negotiate with my own internal review board and understand their position in the hierarchy. It’s given me access to a wider range of the skill sets each board member possesses and how to leverage those skills to succeed. And I think, just by knowing each board member more intimately, it’s helped to make me a better human.
At least, that’s what I’m working on.
