A Beautiful Chaos
If there’s one thing that has become clear in the last couple of days, it is this. I’m okay. The last few weeks have been pretty difficult, but I’m here and I’m alive. I have a community of people around me that love me. I have kids that love me and what’s better than that?!
I recently visited Canmore to be with friends. I don’t have a lot of friends that are very close to me and it seems that the ones who are live far from me. These are friends that, at a drop of a hat, I could reach out to and pick up right where we left off like we spoke only yesterday. Friends who, if needed, would be willing to spend some time talking with me to share wisdom, a laugh, or maybe even a bit of themselves.
It may have been a quick visit, but it was a profound one. One that made me realize that, in the last couple of years, I have become quite isolated from my friends and this is something that needs to change. Because friends and family are the most important thing to being human, and without this, we can feel cast out. That’s the way I have been feeling lately. Isolated, alone and cast out. Deep down I knew that this little trip would be an awakening but little did I know just how asleep at the wheel I was.
I awoke early this morning, and quietly found a place in the house where I am staying to write this. I didn’t know where I was going to start, but the first thing that popped into my head was that “I’m okay”. Sometimes, it only takes a couple of words of inspiration to light the kindling that begins a flurry of keystrokes resulting in a written piece.
Just before the first key stroke, I was looking at the pictures that adorned the walls within the home I was staying. Dozens of photos, of friends, family, children and adventure. Right in the middle of one group of photos was a plaque which read, “Welcome to our beautiful chaos.” These words resonated deeply within me as my own chaos has begun, although I have yet to see the beauty in it.
Whether spoken or written, I have always been sincere, honest and authentic with my words. Despite this trait of transparency being something that takes others some getting used to, I have recently found people that share this openness and honesty, and connecting with them has made a profound difference in how I want the rest of my life to look. Notwithstanding, I have no idea what that means yet. All I know is that I want to create a beautiful chaos of my own.
I am fortunate to have a couple of coaches in my life. A man and a woman who have stepped up to help me though some pretty difficult times as I navigate my personal growth, and have been invaluable in helping me to transform into the person that I want to be. Namely, a person who lives with more intention and thoughtfulness.
I’m not going to pretend that I have a solid understanding of what my goals and values are, and given my corporate background, I despise the idea of a “mission statement”, but as I sit here and write, one such statement emerged.
To become a better person by living my life with more love, kindness, patience and presence.
Kindness, patience and presence are the three words that bubbled up within my consciousness during the Tour Divide and have now become the words that I want to live by. Love, on the other hand, is something that I feel as though I have always lived by and something that flows though me, although the way I have expressed it has not always been understood. It is this misunderstanding that has stirred up a lot of that chaos which at the moment isn’t so beautiful. The way I sometimes express myself has been described as passionate but I know now that this isn’t the case. Needless to say, I am paying the price and need to figure out a way to love in a more understandable way.
I talked about Reframing Failure in a previous post and podcast and this is something that I’m facing at the moment. It’s hard to hold back the specifics of this but I must for the moment. I have failed some people that I love and I’m working really hard to reframe that for myself. I’ve always tried to practice what I preach, but I am just a human being, after all. I make mistakes. Sometimes I unintentionally hurt the people that I love with my thoughtlessness, and though I know I need to give myself grace and love, I still beat myself up with negative self-talk and disappointment.
As I drove back to Invermere after my weekend in Canmore, I reflected about some of the friends, old and new, that I spent quality time with. All of them living their lives with intention, thoughtfulness, love and appreciation. An active group who gets together often to celebrate their lives over dinner or breakfast. An extended family filled with couples, children, singles, exchange students, even kids from across the street who welcome others into the mix to share moments with. I felt honoured to be a part of this group and it’s just the type of weekend I needed to reset and reevaluate the next chapter of my life as I work toward creating my own beautiful chaos.
